Wayward Thoughts of what might have been
by Saerafina
Summary: A short story from Tohru's point of view, once she's started dating Kyou. Is he the right one for her, or should she be with Yuki? Her inner feelings, revealed in this cathartic piece


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This is a fanfic centered around Tohru, just herself thinking about her thoughts on Yuki and Kyou. It takes place after the end of the series, and she has started dating Kyou, for a long time now. After the incident with Kyou's cursed form, Tohru confessed to having feelings for Kyou, and he replied in kind, so they became a couple before Yuki could confess his feelings for Tohru.  
  
Now, many months later, they are very good friends and he keeps everything all bottled up inside, though his feelings are still strong and present. He doesn't want her to know about them because he doesn't want her to feel bad about it, so Yuki just stands by her side and has vowed to be her friend and protector, to make sure that no one else ever hurts her.  
  
There is not much of a resolution here, just questions being posed. Tohru has suddenly discovered Yuki's feelings, though he is not aware of this. This is just a very cathartic piece for me. Now in this piece, for the sake of things, I had to make Kyou look less good as he usually is portrayed, but please don't be angry! I am a huge Kyou x Tohru supporter, but I just wanted to write this to explore certain feelings, so I hope you'll understand it and enjoy it. Also, I unfortunately don't own any of these characters, so only this sortof plot is mine. Enjoy~  
  
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Staring at her through his beautiful burning red eyes, he bent his head slowly to kiss her. Her glowing blue eyes sparkled as they looked up expectantly into his, then slowly closed as his lips descended on hers.  
  
"I love you Tohru" he said for about the thousandth time that week, when their lips separated.  
  
"I love you Kyou", she replied in kind, smiling her bright silly smile.  
  
It had been months and months ago since she had stopped calling him Kyou- kun. He was so handsome, she thought, looking up into his eyes. She felt so fortunate to be so close to him, and to share such wonderful feelings with him. Sometimes she thought that she didn't deserve it. She had felt so happy when he told her that he returned her feelings, and his curse didn't matter, because she truly loved all of him, and was never afraid.  
  
That had been 8 months ago. The more time she had spent with him, and the more he had assured her of his feelings, through the way he stared at her or smiled, or held her hand on the way home, the more she had fallen in love with him. Her feelings had swept her up into a whirlwind, a force that was unstoppable and constantly growing. It was overpowering, and she couldn't control it, but she didn't want to, because it made her heart feel so happy. Of course she treasured all of the other Souma's love very dearly, for they were her closest and dearest friends, and like family to her. But still, the love she held in her heart for them, great as it was, was not the same.  
  
Kyou clasped her hand in his, and they walked back to Shigure's house together. Occasionally Kyou would stare at her with the most gentle and yet passionate look in his eyes, and Tohru felt like her heart was melting. Confessing her feelings had brought her so much happiness! But recently it had also brought her problems too.  
  
She had begun to see a darker side of herself, that she had never experienced before. Kyou made her value herself. Usually, she didn't care what others had as long as they were happy. She wanted everyone around her to be happy most of all, and rather than being jealous of someone if they had something she didn't, she would be happy for them, and celebrate their success. Or she would think that the reason that they had whatever it was and that she didn't was that she didn't deserve it. However, with Kyou's love for her also growing everyday, she had slowly learned to worry and think about herself too.  
  
Ever since he had told her that what made him the most happy was seeing her happy, she began to worry more about how she looked, what she had, and things that had never concerned her before. Sometimes, she was jealous of Kagura, because she could hug him. She longed for physical closeness, the kind of affection they both wanted to share, resting in each other's arms, but they both knew that they could not. Occasionally they would submit to their desire and hug each other, but the moment only lasted seconds before he turned into his cat form, then curled up into her arms. Tohru was afraid of not being the right person for Kyou, or failing him in some way though she was trying her hardest.  
  
At least she was glad that Kagura had accepted their union, and hadn't forsaken Tohru's friendship for it. She had been distant at first, which was understandable, but their friendship was soon as close as ever when Kagura finally realized that she had never had Kyou in the first place.  
  
Yuki, also, had seemed strangely distant when they had first announced their relationship. Tohru couldn't figure out why, but he would come home from school late, eat as quickly and politely as he could, then spend the rest of the evening in his room. Kyou told her not to worry about it, but she couldn't help it. She had tried talking to him several times, without success. Then, after a couple weeks, he came to her. He told her that he was alright, he had been busy with work, and a little depressed in general, but that he was ok. He asked her if they were still good friends, and she smiled her sweet smile and told her that they always would be. This made him smile, but she noticed that it had been a deep, almost sad smile. It had always puzzled her, during these last 8 months. He seemed completely fine now, but she sometimes thought back to that, but never could figure out what it meant.  
  
Until last week. Their class had just recently started studying a book in which a man loved a woman, but never told her, because she loved someone else. At the end he confessed his love before her death, only to know that she had loved him the whole time through. Tohru had discussed this with Yuki, sympathizing with the unfortunate lover, and he had been strangely silent. Tohru said that her heart went out to the lover, and Yuki stared at her through his handsome violet eyes with an almost haunted expression.  
  
After, she met Uo and Hana-chan in the hallway, and questioned them about it.  
  
"Our poor, innocent and naïve Tohru-chan!" Uo-chan exclaimed dramatically as she pulled Tohru into an embrace.  
  
"Indeed, it seems nothing has changed.... She may never realize..." Hana-chan voiced cryptically.  
  
"Ehh?" Tohru questioned. "What are you talking about?"  
  
"Oh Tohru," sighed Uo-chan, "you are just too cute!! I hope that Kyou is treating my dear Tohru-chan well!!! Or else, I will take care of him!!!"  
  
"Sou nee..."Hana-chan echoed, "you must tell us if anything is wrong."  
  
"But, about Yuki-kun..." Tohru tried to bring them back on topic.  
  
"The prince eh? Ah our little Tohru-chan is a heartbreaker! The prince's heart no less..."  
  
"I wonder what the fan club would say if they knew about his feelings" Hana- chan added.  
  
"What? Yuki-kun? He has feelings for me?"  
  
"You mean you didn't ever notice? My poor Tohru-chan!!"  
  
"Ara now she has noticed... her waves are becoming distressed..."  
  
"Tohru-chan? Are you ok?"  
  
"EEEEEHH!!! BUT BUT..... for how long? How?"  
  
"Maa Tohru-chan it's because you're so cuute!"  
  
Tohru thought back to try and figure out when Yuki had started behaving strangely around her. It had only been recently that he had shown anything, but before then, long before then.... when she had confessed! Had it been that long? Had he been in love with her all this time? How could she not have noticed?  
  
"Baka baka baka!" she shouted at herself.  
  
"Tohru-chan, stop hitting yourself" Uo-chan sweat dropped. -_-;;  
  
"Ahh~ how could I not have noticed? For how long?"  
  
"Umm... well...."  
  
"Please tell me," Tohru whispered quietly. She had calmed down, but her face was hidden in her hair so her expression was unreadable.  
  
"About 10 or 12 months at least" Hana-chan supplied the information.  
  
Then, that means... At least 2 or 3 months before Kyou and I... Tohru put all of the details together in her head. A knot developed in the pit of her stomach, through her nervousness and the shock at this new piece of information. How could she not have realized? Thinking back to that time, she remembered all of the times when her friends had dropped hints or tried to get them together. "Tohru-chan and the prince, they are so cute!" Uo- chan had said so many times. Tohru sighed.  
  
"Hey Tohru, are you ok?" Uo-chan asked, suddenly getting serious.  
  
"I'm sure he will be fine" Hana-chan said. "But healing a broken heart takes time... perhaps he doesn't want to forget his feelings for you..."  
  
Eh? Kyou and Yuki were the two most important males in her life, and she loved them both so much. She never wanted to hurt either of them! Her first reaction was to cry, but she knew that would be selfish and she must not be the one who was hurting the most. What could she do? She began aimlessly walking through the hallway, towards the doors and the forest outside.  
  
"Tohru-"Uo called after her.  
  
"Let her go," Hana-chan added, "she needs time to sort out her thoughts. She's strong, she'll be fine."  
  
They stopped walking after her, and watched her retreating form until she disappeared into the woods.  
  
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Ever since that discussion a week ago, Tohru had become preoccupied by her thoughts. She still saw Kyou, and every moment with him was more tender than the last, though his temper still had not completely cooled, as she could hear him arguing with Shigure downstairs. She grinned. Everyone was acting normal, on the outside at least. Finals had been coming up, so Yuki had been patiently helping her study, acting as normal and sweet and he always had.  
  
Only Tohru felt changed, because of this new piece of information inside of her. She knew better than to confront Yuki about it, because that would most likely only lead to more pain and trouble. If he found out that she knew that he loved her, for the past year, he might feel humiliated, he might dislike her. Would he stop talking to her? Would he feel shame? Would he feel hurt? The last thing she wanted to do was hurt him. She knew though that she could not tell him that she liked him either, because that would hurt him, herself, and Kyou.  
  
After she had gotten used to the idea though, she began to notice all the times before that he had shown that he liked her, with his actions and kind words. She had been a fool not to notice, she was so oblivious... When she first had found out, she had felt shocked, sad, and blamed herself. Now though, she had taken the time to examine her own feelings as well, and she felt so guilty and at a loss for words.  
  
She loved both Yuki and Kyou (when had she started thinking of him as Yuki or Yuki-kun instead of Souma-kun?) but her love for Kyou was so much stronger and deeper and passionate. She had become so used to being his girlfriend that it was hard for her to imagine going back to being simply friends. And Yuki, she had always thought that he was perfect. Far too perfect for her, he was almost heavenly. He was so handsome, and sweet, kind, helpful, caring.... He was the ideal boyfriend, and what so many girls dreamed of... Why did he like her? She didn't deserve his love, and never wanted to cause him pain...  
  
"He's everything you want  
  
He's everything you need  
  
He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be He says all the right things at exactly the right time But he means nothing to you and you don't know why" -from "Everything you want", by Vertical Horizon  
  
Suddenly that song began playing on the radio, and the lyrics had a hauntingly familiar ring that connected with her current emotions... It wasn't that she thought Kyou was undeserving or unworthy of her love, she loved him more than anything! But in examining her own feelings, she understood how she had grown to love him so much. She loved him with all of her heart now, and was so afraid that it would break to thousands of pieces if she lost him. And yet, she now couldn't help but wonder, what would life have been like if she was with Yuki instead of Kyou? She had started to like Kyou, and confessed her feelings to him, 8 months ago. Ever since then her feelings had grown until she felt that she couldn't go back. Kyou was so wonderful.  
  
And yet, she knew that if when she confessed her feelings, Kyou had rejected her, she would have moved on more easily. She wasn't as attached to him then as she was now. If Yuki had confessed, as he had planned to do, she probably would have said yes. Her feelings for him would probably have grown to as great a scale as her feelings for Kyou have. She knew she would have been happy with either. But Yuki had been too late... She felt so terribly guilty for wondering. Perhaps this meant that she didn't deserve Kyou. Her mind kept thinking, what if I was with Yuki? What if I broke up with Kyou and went to Yuki right now? Yuki is so perfect, and wonderful, and kind, and handsome...he's so perfect...Of course Kyou is so wonderful too, though not everyone around me thinks so... Some people think that I deserve Yuki. Do I? Would it be better if I was with him? She couldn't back out now, she couldn't leave Kyou now, now that he was so much in love with her, and she with him. And besides, nothing guaranteed her to be happier with Yuki. How long would it last? She could never tell. She couldn't place one of them above the other. If she had only been with Yuki, and was still with him, she would probably be wondering right now what life would be like if she was with Kyou...  
Lately, she had been paying more attention to Yuki, thinking of him and trying to understand his feeling and behavior, though he tried to keep his feelings well hidden behind a wall of protective kindness. He didn't mind her talking about anything, when she was depressed, or lonely, or feeling selfish even. He was always there, protecting her and telling her that everything would be okay. Were these feelings of hers for him merely friendship? Or perhaps more? Did she dare think in that way? How cruel she was being to Kyou! How selfish, they both deserved better than her, and here she was, thinking about them both... They were both so sweet, caring and protective, though different in so many ways. She wanted them both to be happy, and they both loved her. If only she could find a way to make them both happy. She wondered which loved her more....  
  
Uo-chan had tried to console her the day before, saying that Yuki was just sulking occasionally but that he would eventually get over her. This caused her dark side, of which she wasn't at all proud of, to rear its ugly head once again. She had the horrible, selfish thought that, if her and Kyou ever broke up, she secretly wished that Yuki would be there to love her, and that his feelings would still be there, so that she might be able to love him back... But the voice of reason in her mind told her that she was being selfish, and that everyone would be happier if he could forget her in that way, stay her friend, and find someone else to love. Someone who was worthy of his love.  
  
She did love Kyou so much, but did she also have some feelings for Yuki? Now though, she supposed that, however much she couldn't help but wonder, there was no point in doing anything. Life had taken her down this path, and as her feelings with Kyou deepened, she supposed there was no point in changing it, at least not just yet. She just had to try and forget this side of herself that she hated, that doubted and that questioned and that led her to thinking unfaithful thoughts.... And simply enjoy being loved by Kyou, and loving him in return. 


End file.
